Happy Birthday, My Love

My Love,

Today kicks off what was one of my favorite annual traditions--my week with an older woman. You would have been 37 today and I would have loved nothing more than to wake up next to you, wish you a happy birthday, tell you how much I love you, and then call you old, because of course, I’m 36 until next Wednesday. I cannot reconcile being older than you. That was never supposed to happen.

I loved sharing this birthday connection with you. It allowed us to have an amazing 30th birthday party with friends and family at The Garage, where I may or may not have enjoyed myself a little too much, and we always made our birthdays a special time to celebrate together. I’m flooded with memories of fancy dinners, Mariners games, and the Sam Smith concert. We were perfect homebodies together, but also always had the best times celebrating and living it up.

It was also on this day 15 years ago that I asked you to marry me. I was so nervous even though I knew you were going to say yes. It is one of those touchstone moments in life you hope is perfect, and it was--just like our relationship. I’ve been reminded more recently how amazing you were--you were so genuine, funny, and loving; you were unapologetically yourself and you made everyone around you feel better and be better. You were my person and best friend.

I’m trying to figure out my emotions at this moment but it is a roller coaster. I woke up this morning feeling okay--feeling like today was a day to celebrate you and to be happy for the time we had together. The outpouring of love and support from friends and family has lifted my spirits. We’re all remembering the amazing memories we shared with you and those things that made you so special. I have the entire rest of the year to be angry and sad, but today is your day. However, I miss you so much and can’t help but cry and reminisce on our life together. We spent eighteen birthdays together--exactly half of our lives--and yet now it’s a birthday without you.

I will do everything I can to keep today positive--I know it is what you would have wanted. The kids and I have spent time talking about our favorite memories with you. Arya said she loved how you read to her and picked her up. We talked about how much we all laughed and danced together. You would be so proud of Ellis--his language is getting so strong, just like Arya, and he’s starting to potty train. He’s also developed an incredible golf swing. Arya started ballet a few weeks ago and is doing great after a shaky start. She continues to be full of personality and sass. She makes me laugh every day. I couldn’t imagine any of this without them.

Happy birthday, my love. I’ll never stop thinking about you or loving you.

September 22, 2020: